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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29063541">On Grieving and Loving</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotunemo/pseuds/jotunemo'>jotunemo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Brother Feels, Childhood Abuse, Dark World AU, Emotional Abuse, Gen, Grief, Human AU, In a way, Kid Loki, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Million Hugs, Loki is sad, Loki needs love, Odin's A+ Parenting (Marvel), Other, Protective Thor, Substance Abuse, Thor Feels, Thor Is a Good Bro, Thor is the best bro, Tiny Loki, brodinson fluff, it's missing Frigga hours, no, not really - Freeform, seriously, teenage thor - Freeform, weeps ugly tears</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:01:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,853</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29063541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotunemo/pseuds/jotunemo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Odin succumbs to grief and takes it out on a hurting Loki and Thor has to be the best protective big brother he can be.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki &amp; Odin (Marvel), Loki &amp; Thor (Marvel), Odin &amp; Thor (Marvel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>107</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>On Grieving and Loving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, I woke up yesterday morning and then this happened. Loki knows he's adopted in this one.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thor senses that something is wrong even before he's all the way through the door, he just knows it, with the kind of hair-raising, intestine-clenching clarity that can't be ignored. And then he hears his kid brother's choked plea and his dad's furious bellowing followed by a loud thud and a wail and then more screaming and more whimpering. Cheeks flushing hot with fear, he drops his duffel bag to the floor and sprints up the stairs and into the bathroom where Odin stands, towering over Loki, shoving him against the shower wall with his huge, strong hands, screaming at him that he has no right. </p><p>“Dad!” Thor yells over the sound of his heartbeat whooshing in his ears. </p><p>Loki doesn't even dare to glance up at him. He's shaking and his pale face is hidden behind a curtain of shiny black hair. </p><p>“Dad, stop! You're hurting him!” Thor shouts again, trying to pull his father off of his brother but Odin is a rock solid mountain and even if football is slowly bulking Thor into a rock solid mountain too, he is only fifteen. </p><p>Odin shakes him off and grabs Loki by the collar of his shirt and slams his head into the shower wall and then he punches him, right in the face, with a loud smack. “If you ever touch her things again,” he warns and then it hits Thor, his dad is slurring his words, <em> shit</em>, Odin is fucking drunk and it's only late afternoon. </p><p>Thor draws a breath and before Odin can finish his threat, he tries again and this time, his dad loses his balance and stumbles one step away, leaving enough room between him and Loki for Thor to move in as a shield. “Leave him alone,” he says, forcing his voice to carry over the lump of fear in his throat.</p><p>Odin flares his nostrils like a rabid horse. His cheeks are flushed red with anger and his eyes are bulging, almost popping out of his head. </p><p>Behind Thor, Loki is giving it his damndest everything to stifle his whimpering and he almost chokes on the effort. </p><p>The tension in the air is so palpable, Thor is sure he could yank it out of the air if only he stretched out his hand. </p><p>“I expect dinner soon,” Odin says eventually before he turns away and stomps out, pounding his fist against the wall and stumbling a little.</p><p>Loki releases a shaky breath and Thor spins around, cupping his little brother's face in his arms. “Fuck. You okay?” </p><p>Loki nods, not very convincingly. He's usually a great actor and a smooth liar but, right now, he's visibly too shaken up to pull it off. </p><p>“What was that about?” Thor asks. </p><p>Loki glances down, pulling at the fabric of the shirt he's wearing. </p><p><em> Oh</em>. </p><p>Thor didn't notice it before but Loki is wearing one of their mom's shirts. It looks good on him too because he's lanky and androgynous and kinda pretty in the way boys usually aren't.  </p><p>“It still smells like her,” Loki whispers and then the tears well into his eyes and spill out and his lips quiver and he looks much younger than eleven. </p><p>“Come here,” Thor murmurs him and sweeps him into a hug, pressing him close. “I know it's hard. Shshsh. It's gonna get easier, I promise. He'll get over himself. These things take time sometimes.”</p><p>Loki is trembling, Thor can feel it, can feel the vibrations of his distress against his palms and fingertips as he rubs long circles across his back the way Frigga used to do to calm him down. </p><p>Her death came as a shock to Thor and turned his world upside down, of course it did, he woke up in the middle of the night for a while and remembered that he'd never see her smile again, never hear her laugh again, never look into her blue eyes and never bask in the glow of her love again. He cried for a few minutes, felt that aching, gaping hole yawning open in his chest, tried to fill it up with memories, and then he went back to sleep. </p><p>It hurt so much that breathing seemed to take too much effort at times. </p><p>But over time, it did get easier. </p><p>Not for Loki. </p><p>Loki is an emotional wreck and he's needy and sensitive and always needed truck loads of attention. They had a special connection and Thor is sure that Loki is missing her worse. That it hurts more because he's so small, so young. And because it's Loki's “fault” that she died. </p><p>Or so his kid brother keeps telling himself because it's what Odin keeps telling him in his frenzied grief. No matter how often Thor or Loki's therapist try to tell him that it's no one's <em> fault </em> that the accident happened that day, no one can undo the damage Odin's words have inflicted upon his brother's brittle psyche. Loki still blames himself because he had a meltdown in school and the principal called Frigga and she had to drive there but never arrived. She was forced off the road by a truck driver who had a heart attack and her car spun down the slope and crashed against a tree. </p><p>She didn't have a chance. </p><p>Odin had to come pick Loki up instead and he was beside himself. He screamed at Loki that his hysteria and his screwed-up-ness ruined his mother's life in every sense of the word (“Don't you see what you did, you little brat. We gave you a home when no one else wanted your wretched little ass and, as a thank you, you made Frigga's life a living hell of worrying and now this? Now this?? How can you live with yourself??”) and shoved him across the living room even though Loki was already an ugly, snotty, shaking, crying ball of sadness and despair. </p><p>That was three months ago and their dad is still mad as fuck. </p><p>“Come on boys, hurry that goddamn dinner along, will you!” Odin blares from somewhere downstairs, almost as if to prove a point. </p><p>It's hard to release Loki but eventually Thor manages. He tries to smile, which he doesn’t manage. Loki is miserable. He's goddamn miserable. Thor takes his hand, squeezing it softly in his own. “We'll get through this,” he promises his brother. “I'll help you get through this, okay? You’re not alone.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>School days are fine. </p><p>Thor is a rising football star and practice takes a lot of time and high school demands a lot and he has a lot of friends who want to hang out and Loki spends almost all his time in the library after he discovered that, if he got home late enough, Odin would be too smashed to catch him or even rise from the armchair into which he planted his sorry drunken ass after coming home from work. That he'd just scream and roar like a wave crashing over Loki and then retreat to pathetic prattling again. </p><p>Thor doesn't know how he gets into bed at night. Maybe he doesn't. It's hard to keep caring about him when he makes zero effort to overcome his wife's death. </p><p>Weekends aren't fine because on Saturdays and Sundays they have to see him during the day and isn't that just splendid. Sometimes, Odin does things around in the house but mostly he dumps the chores on them, which means Thor has to mow the lawn and trim the hedges now and Loki has to clean and do laundry while he’s getting plastered and somber and sometimes, often, angry. The problem is that the more he drinks, the angrier he gets and the angrier he gets, the more he drinks. It's a perfectly vicious cycle but he refuses to get help, so Thor and Loki spend a lot of time at Tony's or at the arcade or on the playground next to Thor's school after his games on Saturdays, to which Odin has stopped coming. </p><p>It hurts, losing both your mom and your dad.</p><p>Sometimes, it feels like he’s even losing his baby brother. Loki doesn't talk a lot anymore. He used to be unable to shut up as a kid but most days now, he's unsettlingly quiet. Scratch that. His silence isn't unsettling, it's downright terrifying and Thor is scared shitless because he can't help his brother. He used to be able to fix shit and make things better for Loki like good big brothers do but there is nothing he can do about <em> this.</em> </p><p>He can't bring either of their parents back. </p><p>Maybe if they moved out … </p><p><em> Yeah</em>, <em> right</em>. </p><p>Where to, genius? He could ask Tony for help, of course, but he's too damn proud and he doesn't want to embarrass Loki, who insists that he's fine even if he goes quieter and skinnier every day. </p><p>If only he could tell someone. Thor was about to ask his coach for advice, several times already actually, but then he always chickened out at the last minute because an adult might alert the police or Child Services even if Thor pleaded with them not to call the authorities. The cops would punish his dad for being in pain and they'd take them away from their home, maybe even split Loki and him up. His dad would be publicly humiliated. </p><p>No, this can't happen. <em>Ever</em>. </p><p>Thor sighs because, deep down, he knows that he would have asked Frigga for advice or, rather, Frigga would have known that something was wrong and she wouldn't have stopped pestering him (lovingly, of course) until he'd spit it out. </p><p>“It's gonna be okay,” Thor reassures Loki, over and over. “Dad can't stay like that forever. He's in pain. He lost the love of his life. He's grieving. He'll get over it. It's only been a few months. Some people take longer to recover from such a loss but recover they do. Dad will get help. It's gonna be okay, you'll see.”</p><p>Sometimes, he thinks he's reassuring himself.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“I told you,” Odin huffs and Loki flinches and his heart hammers out of his chest and into his ears with a hot lurch of panic.</p><p>“Papa,” Loki pleads, then silently curses himself whenever he still accidentally calls him papa because he is no longer a little kid and his papa is no longer his papa. He's dad now, big old drunk nasty dad, lurking in the doorframe like a boxer. Loki hugs himself tighter, hugs Frigga’s ancient college sweater, soaking up the last traces of his mother.</p><p>“Didn’t I? I told you to <em> not </em>wear her clothes!” Odin hollers, voice rising to dangerous anger levels, his eyes dark and bulging. “I don’t want to see them on your wretched frame!”</p><p>“Please, I,” Loki stammers. He is so tired, so exhausted, so scared. Thor isn’t home yet. He’s alone because his mama is gone and it’s his fault that she’ll never smile her radiant smile again and she won’t ever come back and no matter what Thor says, papa is gone too, he’s been replaced by this strange man who always drinks and is always angry with Loki just because Loki exists. </p><p>“Get it off!” Odin screams, tugging at the sweater. “Get that thing off or I swear to God I’m gonna put you in a fucking foster home where you belong!”</p><p>“No,” Loki whimpers and everything he’s been holding back for months breaks free, sweeping him off his feet and throwing him into a hot spring of tears. “I miss her, papa,” he sobs so violently that the words bite into his throat. “I miss her so much and I miss you, too.”</p><p>“Stop it. Stop crying!”</p><p>“I miss her,” Loki bawls. “I miss my mama. You can't make me take it off. Please.”</p><p>“Shut up! It's <em>your</em> fault she's gone!” Odin roars and then he jumps onto the bed and pins his hands down with his knees and Loki screams but Thor isn’t home yet and his dad’s breath is hot and sour and then his fist crashes into Loki’s face and he can hear his bones crunch and he can taste blood and he cries out in pain but that only makes him worse, papa is so, so angry just because Loki misses his mama and it’s not fair that he’s so angry because of that and it’s not fair that Loki is still alive and she isn’t because he’s bothering everyone and she was always so nice and lovely and he’s so miserable that even his own papa doesn’t like him anymore and everything hurts and he’s still too young for so much hurt and he’s still too young to live without his mama.</p><p>It hurts so very much. </p><p>Everything hurts. It just <em>hurts</em> and it doesn't stop. <em>Ever</em>. </p><p>He wants it to be over. He wants to be where Frigga is. </p><p>Loki blanks out until he hears his brother’s strangled outcry.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“Get the hell off of him!” Thor screams and, fueled by the kind of anger he never knew he had inside of him, he reaches for the football in his bag and knocks his father on the side of the head with it. “Dad, what the fuck?”</p><p>Odin stares at him, then at Loki who is quietly whimpering beneath him, at his busted lip, his swollen eye, his broken nose, and then he gasps. “I …” He scrambles to his feet and then he flat-out retches and then he flees the room.</p><p>“Loki, I’m sorry,” Thor murmurs, pulling his brother close. He’s so small and skinny and he’s shaking so hard and all Thor wishes is that he could take Loki's pain and feel it for him. </p><p>“You said you’d help me,” Loki wails against the fabric of Thor’s football jersey. “I don’t wanna be scared anymore.”</p><p>“You won’t have to be scared anymore,” Thor says. “I promise.”</p><p>“Don’t promise things you can’t keep,” Loki begs.</p><p>“We’re going to Tony’s,” Thor decides on a whim because the Stark’s have a huge mansion with so many guest rooms they could accommodate half the students going to Infinity High and Tony’s mother has already expressed her concerns that the brothers are now living alone with their father because Loki is getting skinny and withdrawn. “He can’t hurt you there, okay?”</p><p>Loki nods, unconvinced.</p><p>“Wait,” Odin slurs after them when they are almost out of the front door. “I’m sorry, Loki! I’m … Please.”</p><p>Thor doesn’t turn around. He slams the door shut behind him and gently tugs his brother down the street.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Later that night, after a visit to the doctor and a nice meal they didn’t have to cook for themselves for once and a nice hot bath, they’re lying together in bed, Loki curled up in Thor’s arms, Thor’s forehead pressed against his baby brother’s face. “I will keep you safe, I promise.” </p><p>Loki lifts his head and kisses him on the mouth, his thin lips soft and moist against Thor’s own.</p><p>Thor’s stomach drops and he puts a little distance between them when his crotch instantly reacts to the touch. Fifteen-year-old dicks really get hard over everything. Hormones are a fucking menace. “Wh-what are you doing? Stop. You can’t kiss me like this.”</p><p>“Why not?” Loki asks softly, timidly.</p><p>“Because I’m your brother,” Thor stammers. “It makes me feel weird and creepy, okay, Lokes? You’re a literal child and we’re, well, not related but, like, we’re family.”</p><p>“But I love you,” Loki wails. Fuck, he’s so miserable. He’s so goddamn miserable all the time. It hurts like hell. Sometimes, it hurts more than Frigga's death. </p><p>“I love you too but we don’t love each other like <em> that</em>,” Thor explains. “We’re brothers, not …” He harrumphs, then coughs, too embarrassed to think this thought through to the end.</p><p>“But you used to kiss me all the time,” Loki complains. “When I was little. You don’t do that anymore.”</p><p>“But not on the mouth, goofus.” Thor plants a smooch on his brother’s pale forehead. “I used to do this.” </p><p>“Why don’t you anymore?”</p><p>“Uh ...” The eloquence. “Because we, uh, I grew out of it?” It’s a good question though, isn’t it? When do siblings stop hugging and kissing each other and why? It's so nice to be this close to another person. </p><p>“Do it again?” Loki pleads.</p><p>“What, you mean like this?” Thor asks and then he kisses him again and again and again, showering him with kisses on his forehead and cheeks like their mother used to do. Thor always pretended to hate it and now she won’t ever have a chance to do it again. She won’t kiss him or Loki ever again and Loki needs lots of kisses. And even if it feels a little weird to kiss Loki like that, it’s the least he can do for him after he failed to stop their father. When Loki is falling asleep that night, there is the faintest smile on his lips.</p><p>Shit, thinks Thor, if it gives his baby brother a tiny sliver of happiness, he'll give him all the kisses in the goddamn world. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>For the record, I personally don't think it's weird to kiss your siblings on the mouth, I do with my sister as a greeting still, but Thor's reaction just felt natural for a 15yo teenage boy but what do I know? lol</p><p>*leaves this here and returns to work on Aftermath*</p></blockquote></div></div>
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